They barely looked at me, as they sat silently, listening to the litany of suggestions that were left just that -- suggestions. But that is not what offended me most. Their gravest fault: mediocrity. It gets me crazy when students settle for less than they are capable of. And so for one hour straight, notwithstanding the crack in my voice again, I alternately lectured and made important calls here and there, to provide for their urgent need. Tomorrow is last day of thesis proposal defense, and noone agrees to sit in the panel. Hell, who would? There are papers to check, projects to evaluate, grades to compute -- all sort of unimaginable work an ordinary student just don't seem to get, as if a classcard only takes imagination. I had to rely on friends -- abuse them, actually -- ask them to come when they would rather be home.
At any rate, i did what i had to do -- beg. Problem solved. But that didn't stop me, I gave four captives a piece of my mind, and perhaps made them suffer my quirks. I could get so spontaneous sometimes -- at some point, they got "deranged" by the "orders" i had to make given the time constraints. But at 5:00 p.m. when my phone started ringing and i could see "babe calling," i got to my senses. One hour passed -- and all I heard were YES mam, opo, now na po, thank you po. But I saw them all smiles -- i didn't notice -- I got them to do what had to be done, because YES tomorrow, they will face the dreaded panel, and there is no need for INC in their transcripts.
What followed was rather odd, but rewarding. These kids handed me a bouquet of flowers with a handwritten note of apology. It was heartwarming; I felt guilty. I'm a piece of shit. But again, in my heart, I meant well -- i just couldn't help being the usual me. There is just this inner rage -- to drive students to be better, because I really believe they can shine. I want them to tap their potentials to the fullest and never settle for less. I am not really sure if I am doing it right all the time, because often i do as my heart tells me -- always driven by my intention to inspire excellence. Of course i am aware of everyone's limitations and individual differences, after all I'm a sucker for uniqueness. What i really want is for one to be excellent according to his own lot. Nothing less.
Posts on my FB wall tonight assured me, I am still on the right track. I need not be torn apart by the many misguided thoughts I recently had. This is where I belong. This is where I will grow. I deserved the flowers.